Jenna Marbles’ Counter Part…enjoyeee

4 Sep





1 Sep

Truly are fascinating…enjoy!

The VMA’s…

1 Sep

Well, Kitties…it’s that time of the year again! MTV’s Video Musica Awards! Ahhh yess, the time of the year when you watch two and a half hours of sub-par programming by choice, then immediately following, you realize:

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I’m not sure what gets everyone so hyped about the show every year. I was more than happy to see beaming pregnant Beyonce, and Adele can officially sing me into fits of hysterical tears. I can’t stand the cast of Jersey Shore almost more than the fact that I can’t stand that they have more money than I’ll ever have in my lowly bank account.

I also really think that Lady Gaga needs to try to stop outdoing herself (and with the introduction of Jo Calderone, she also needs to stop trying to do herself in general…). Every year, her shock factor goes up, and do you all know what I do? Roll my eyes. In my opinion, with her trying to be original and fresh (ahem, by essentially copying Madonna, Boy George, David Bowie, etc, etc, etc…) she ruins it! Think about it. When someone says “Gaga was crazy at the VMA’s last night” your first thought is “I can make a redundant statement too…”. Honestly, if she would show up to an event of some sort not wearing makeup, raw meat, a large egg, etc, etc, thats when people will be shocked…Although people would probably still say “Lady Gaga was crazy at the VMA’s last night! …She was wearing a baby pink polo and Sperrys!”.




24 Aug

Yesterday, as all of you should know, an earthquake hit in Virginia! and it was felt all the way up in Cleveland!

Here’s my favorite idiot tweet from yesterday, from our favorite gonorrhea representative, Snooki:

Sn00ki : 2012 is near, I knew it! I hope everyones okay!!!
…Uhh. I guess you would be correct. Seeing that 2012 will, in fact follow 2011 in a few short months…I’m assuming her phone was mafunctioning so she couldn’t spell check “Apocolypse”, or “End of the World”. What the hell, you can’t misspell numbers!
I knew it! 2013 will be after 2012!
anyway, there was an earthquake, I didnt feel it, I’m slightly bitter, but I’m over it, next topic:
Keeping the Homeless Homeless.
On campus, (in C-bus) there are quite a few homeless folks. So, in an effort to put some money into their pockets, they give them jobs selling a monthly newspaper highlighting the issue of homelessness in Columbus. One fervent worker stands outside of Starbucks (where I come to write for you awesome people) and is honestly the nicest, and most annoying human ever. He is nice because he seems to genuinely love what he does and is annoying because if you were to walk in, get a coffee and walk out, he will have no recollection of you, and therefore, you will have to bite your fist and say “no, I dont have a dollar” not once, but twice withint 5 minutes…Does anyone else see it as ironic that this organization is not actually helping the homeless by giving them jobs that they can actually apply to the real world, but they’re keeping them in their lower rank in society by assigning them to PAN HANDLE their way into getting people to buy a newpaper?! Awkward…How are they building a resume by saying they worked for this Columbus homeless orgainization, begging for people to puchase newpapers for one dollar…I suppose a job is a job…But seriously…
Also, for those of you who follow me on Twitter  (if you dont, you should…@kayleeblahblah) I’ve been tweeting about these teen moms hanging out here…holding the baby…Not supporting his neck…and texting…
I love babies. I do. I get so excited when at work, and a table is sat in my section with a baby/toddler, whatever the age,  I LOVE THEM ALL.  So it really hurts me that these dumb teens are more interested in texting someone who’s probably not even going to be their friend in a few years while their infant’s head is about to roll off into their Venti Vanilla Bean Frappucino, paid for by welfare. I have half a mind to tell them “You’re Welcome” as I walk out…
I, like so many others, think that the show Teen Mom was a huge mistake on MTV’s part. It just goes to show its viewers that if you’re a moron, you can still make it big by being essentially talentless and getting pregnant. What it fails to depict is the fact that the baby is absolutely fucked from conception. It breaks my heart because there are so many people who would be more than willing to take that perfect baby and give it what it deserves, which is a life that involves being able to afford taking ballet, piano and karate lessons, not rationing food stamps, and full of love from two parents (regarless of their sex) who are more than willing to raise an upstanding member of society and to be proud of them regarless of their genetics.
Having a child isn’t supposed to be about disproving all of the people who don’t think you can raise a child…Proving people wrong is only acceptable when they don’t believe you can learn to play the piano, chug a Four Loco, or in physical contests, like hotdog and/or pie eating contests along with cat like agility contests…Not whether you are capable of raising a human being…If you arent capable of assessing the risk involved in RAISING  A CHILD, maybe you should consider adoption? Or sterilization?
Finally, I’m not some insane church person who pickets clad in anti abortion signs…I just am against it because I have such a love for babies, and in my opinion, the act is disturbing. I understand and respect the “my body, my choice” arguement and those who feel this way; but I prefer adoption as the option over abortion!
Sorry this was kindof rant-y, but I think I was feelin it today. I’ll be silly next time, I promise 🙂

Columbus Has Too Many Abercrombie Models (From 7/20)

24 Aug

I can tell you one major problem that seems to be negatively affecting Columbus today; the apparent overpopulation of Abercrombie and Fitch models.


  • Bars
  • Class
  • Kinko’s
  • Tanning Salons
  • Library
  • An actual photo shoot…Getting paid thousands of dollars…Oh wait…

Seeing that New Albany, Ohio is home to the headquarters of A&F, most use this fun fact as a completely legitimate reason to lie to peers by using this (pathetic) pickup line:

“Hey, whatsup, I’m Chad. I model for Abercrombie.”

Ladies, you might encounter such idiots while out and intoxicated. Please don’t believe the Abercrombie Fib. I generally like maliciously calling out such liars. (“Model, huh? As in you’re naked in a catalog? or you’re paid minimum wage to say “Hey whatsup, you’ll look great in Fierce.”)  Lemme tell you something, Chad…You couldn’t pay me to believe that you’re an Abercrombie model due to the following discrepancies:

  • You’re drinking a tall boy of Natty Light at a campus bar that smells like vomit, vermin, and toilet water; an Abercrombie model makes thousands of dollars for one photo shoot; they probably don’t drink below-par beer that is under $20 for an entire case. 
  • You’re swimming (and drowning) in a size Small T-shirt.
  • Where there should be outline of a Herculean rock hard chest, there is only the outline of hard salami nipples and chest hair. 
  • Where are the biceps that are supposed to be bulging out of your Graphic T? Somebody is bringing a whole new meaning to Borat’s “wizzard sleeves”. 
  • You associate a headshot with a dirty move in the bedroom.  

 Speaking of Mike Jeffries…

I’ll admit, I had no idea who he was until this chicken-legged fool with braces (as in teeth, not legs circa Forrest Gump; although it wouldnt shock me) at the bar tried to convince me that he was an Abercrombie model;  I would’ve sooner believed that Roseanne was the new A&F frontrunning model. It got me thinking the next day about who the hell is running this lie factory, and why does he feel the need to mislead average at best guys into thinking that lying will get into mis pantalones? Then I read story after story of the complete and utter delusional douchery that makes up Mike Jeffries.

Mike Jeffries is a 60 year old tool. Normally I would never use such vocabulary when discussing an elder; however, I would never say anything like that about my own grandfather because my grandfather…

  •  Wears short sleeved button downs with a pocket on the right for his stash of smokes, along with car oil stained shorts or Levi’s, and conservative Reebok walking shoes. 
  • Sees the word “dude” as what wikipedia defines it from its origin: “…denotes an ill-bred and ignorant, but ostentatious, man from the city”.
  • Spends his time gardening and watching birds. 
  • Takes 3+naps per day and still falls asleep by 9.
  • Is generally precious.

 If you Google image Mike Jeffries, you’ll see that he looks like the love child of Jocelyn Wildenstien and Gary Busey:

I can use the “D” word on Mike Jeffries without a doubt because, compared to my sweet grandpa, 

  • Mike Jeffries pops his moose embellished collar while his freshly replaced artificial knee pops out of his pre-destroyed jeans. 
  • Says the word “Dude”as if he just got back to the frat party after a keg run. 
  • According to a Bloomberg Press Article, he works out in his office, and dyes his hair blonde “because its fun”…If a life-sized Ken doll can run a company, I should be able to become president.  
  • I would assume that for the same reason his hair is bleach blonde, he also finds it “fun” to try rolling with younger crowds by bonging beers, drinking _______bombs, joining fraternities, and snorting coke.

HOWEVER. As annoying as the whole idea of Mike Jeffries is, business-wise he’s kind of doing something right. As I read of Mike Jeffries antics, the article further explained how A&F has stayed afloat during the recession. Instead of doing what numerous other retailers did (mass produced coupons, lower prices, etc) Jeffries raised his prices and took a huge salary cut; of course he still makes more money than the president…But instead of going bankrupt, the company broke even, and whether I like it or not, I can still walk into a mall, bar, or Kinkos and be effected by A&F because good ‘ol Mikey cant fly to the Virgin Islands as much this year for the love of his moose-infested company.

Overall, if a superficial and generally airheaded 60 year old can make a huge sacrifice for the good of the company, shouldn’t the US government be doing the same for the United States? Every member of congress makes significantly more than the average US citizen; I know that if each one took a pay cut in an effort to circulate some real money into the US economy that is currently laying in its death bed, it would most likely be a (very) small step in the right direction. At the very least, it would give US citizens peace of mind in knowing those on capitol hill actually do care for the future of the economy, and are willing to make sacrifices like those who have been laid off, hopeless, and starving for the past ten years.

As for the Abercrombie Fibbers: When you walk into the bar next, you better be sporting nothing but a volleyball and a smirk like Trevor, here:

…Otherwise, don’t waste my time, frat boy.


20 Aug


Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

-Pablo Neruda


20 Aug



Make this for 5 dollars? Okay.

Random Things That Shouldn’t Piss People Off…But Do…

19 Aug

I think my blog needs a more constant “______ of the week” thing to keep everyone interested, so this week’s Random Things That Shouldn’t Piss People Off…But Do…


They’re not? Here are my reasons why I think that it is perfectly fine to don leggings “in disguise”, if you will, as pantalones:

  • You can’t see my legs, butt or vagina, as they are covered. You may, however, be able to see the outline of my underwear, depending on if I woke up a little buzzed; Although with this happening, the last thing I’m worried about is my underpants showing through my leggings…The real chances are that there’s gum in my hair that is probably tied up with a scrunchie, and I forgot to wear a bra.
  • What qualifications exactly, classify as “pantsless”. Is there a dichotomous key to follow? I don’t think I’ve done that since 7th grade with Ms. Salvagni, our rumored porn-star turned science teacher…Wait your school had one of those too…? (cough, urban legend, excuse me).
  • the difference between my denim skinny jeans and leggings: a button, zipper, pockets and material. Other than that, Apples to Apples, people.
While I am an advocate of wearing leggings to class, work, theme parks, haunted houses, the store, wherever…I will admit there are a few rules to wearing the leggings…And I think that they would be the most clear in the form of a slideshow depicting those who should mayybe swap the leggings for some hammer pants, and when you should go ahead and let ‘yo freak flag fly with those spandex angel pants…

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Overall, everyone needs to chill out about the whole leggings issue. We’re in a recession, people are hungry, and the world is ending in 2012. Who knows, though…maybe Superman will pull through in his cray cray blue leggings…Who wears the pants now, legging haters?

yet another A&F article…

17 Aug

Of course, I’m taking this information with the largest grain of salt in the mill/mine/salt shaker, what have you…

OH, OOOKAY. Here is my take on this situation:

Doesn’t A&F know that wearing anything associated with that vulgar brand after the age of 15 is considered tool-y and uncool? As soon as I grew out of size Small at A&F I moved on, for fear of the development of a body image issue. In my opinion, Abercrombie is facing an even bigger problem once all tools past the age of 15 realize that someone is actually getting paid to finally grow out of Abercrombie. Then what’s going to happen? As you may have read in my previous blog entry, Mike Jeffries had to take a significant pay cut just to break even this past fiscal year…Now he’s going to have to take a pay cut to fund the new bullshit salary for the cast of The Jersey Shore  on behalf of the brand being “misrepresented”…Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you printed pedofile-esque slogans on your graphic tees…or maybe stop making mini skirts that only cover 1/2 of the ass cheeks for the kids store…Here’s a thought: Classy people buy classy things…Maybe have your ad’s become more classy, you know depicting models wearing clothes instead of nipple erections?  To be honest, if the brand wanted to stray away from the Jersey Shore cast, maybe it should reconsider making neon colored men’s sweatpants…Everyone knows that they match perfectly with lame touristy sweatshirts…

“I just Blue myself” -Tobias, Arrested Development

Overall, you do what you need to do to maintain that outstanding image**, Abercrombie. If that means being completely hypocritical and printing t-shirts that say “The Fitchuation” on them, so be it…

…Does anyone else smell a lawsuit?…

**Which includes: premarital heavy petting, breeding sluts, future frat boys/roofie users of America. USA.

Toddlers and Tiaras

18 Nov

There is most definitely something psychotic about a 4 year old:

  • …In a bustier…Singing Lady Marmelade…probably throwing condoms at the judges.
  • …With hair volume rivaling* mine (*And by rivaling I mean hand-feeding my lifeless, fine hair shit for breakfast after a swift demeaning insult about how it belongs in the kitchen baking).
  • …Giving me better makeup tips than the ancient Macy’s Clinique worker.
  • …Dropping it like its hot then crying off the 50 layers of mascara tediously applied by the mother after losing to that 1/2 Puerto Rican 3rd grade bimbo, who wore a red wig and sang “Tomorrow” from Annie.

I know that I can’t possibly be the only person who is MAJORLY creeped out by the entire cast* (*circus freaks) of Toddlers and Tiaras. As you all know, summer is upon us, so I’ve been spending every second being productive. This includes activities such as:

  • Drinking heavily.
  • Only eating freeze pops.
  • Reading Chelsea Handler and David Sedaris books.
  • Drinking heavily.
  • Sleeping 10+ hours per day.
  • Watching Rock of Love intentionally on Netflix.
  • Drinking heavily, meeting new friends.
  • Googling things like: leprosy, golden retriever puppies, what cat fits my personality and good jokes.
  • Not laughing at all when watching the South Park episode when the internet goes out (because that’s a scary thought, annnd because that one isn’t really all that funny, in particular).

I was visiting, and an ad for T’s&T’s was playing. As I was scrolling past the information that actually depletes the brain cells I have (which is fine, because I have a plethora. Look at that stellar vocab). I saw what I thought was a transexual midget. Intrigued, I clicked on the link. It turned out to be a link to TLC, the channel of toddlers, tiaras, sister wives, and a number families who dont seem to understand the concept of birth control. TLC is supposed to be a channel that is great for families (well, by families, I mean moms, but it’s all friendly programming). As I navigated the shows I realized that TLC is like that Monopoly game that McDonalds has annually. The original premise of the whole thing seems promising; You purchase some starchy, sodium packed food, eat it, feel guilty, but hey, you won 5 million dollars after getting Broadway and Park Place. Then you flake your nails trying to peel off the silly little things to realize that you’re stuck with two stupid Monopoly tabs for an entire weeks’ worth of bloating and probably flatulence. Like those peel off tabs, one sits down to watch a various show on TLC, say Toddlers and Tiaras, and has feelings similar to this…

I Hulu-ed Toddlers and Tiaras, and to my disdain, it could only offer me clips; either way, I obliged. Excited to watch the transformations of various Toddlers to little baby Trannies, the first few minutes involved Tootie Berg. I learned that Tootie, a particularly horrendous name, was the little spray-tanned 8 year old’s stage name; like a stripper. I watched as she discussed her multiple personalities (sic disorder). In real life, Tootie goes by Madison. Madison partakes in behaving in church and playing soccer, while Tootie is the bat shit crazy alter ego who struts her stuff to “Lets Talk About Sex” in front of the judges. If you ask me, Madison drew the short end of the Sybil stick.By the end of the clip I pondered if little Tootie/Madison was aware of the final outcome of her hard work, which would most likely end with her taking the spotlight in another reality TV show; RuPaul’s Drag Race. 

I decided to stop looking at such clips after  I watched an apparent two-year old dance to “Like a Virgin” in a gold, lamé onesy…Complete with a cone bra. Isn’t “Like A Virgin” about felatio?? Sure, when I was two, my closet was as jam packed with lingerie as my head was with sexually suggestive dance moves, but I would only partake in such activities in the privacy of my own room. Another mother taught her daughter a dance routine in which the contestant literally spread her legs (ok, did the splits), blew a kiss and winked at perfect strangers; a lesson most do not personally learn until the time comes to pay for college by becoming a “dancer”. 

I was astounded by the amount of money the insane mothers are shelling out to maintain their mini Femme-Bots. Mothers claim to spend an average of 70 grand per year. It’s pathetic and hilarious to hear a mother say that, and watch her load all of the beauty pageant necessities into her Ford Pinto, as her bratty Malibu baby is whining about the rash she’s getting on her face from her morning chemical peel/lipo. The day goes on, and the talent competition takes place. 

My attention is focused on the little creeps who are actually in the competition, and then I realize the delight in watching the camera pan to the mothers watching their children. While viewing this, one really sees the insanity in  the eyes of the parents, moist and glimmering like a choppy lake spiked with speed and ecstacy. They mirror the  robotic routine that they made up for their silly daughters, looking exactly like what anyone would expect them to look like: a psychopath dancing alone in a room of spectators. They mimic everything that their daughters do onstage, including the same smile that Jeffrey Dahmer probably sported as he was putting human remains in his fridge…cray-crayy.  

Overall, there are a lot of things about society and culture that make me seriously worried for what to expect in the future. If Botox injections and spray tans are ok today. I predict that nose jobs and implants will be yesterday’s news by the time I have my first child. I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees it morally wrong to make these girls feel like they need to look like a cheap mannequin as soon as they can walk. Can you imagine talking to a girl who has been high maintenance her entire life? One cany only hope that all of the years of constant Redbull chugging, Pixi-Stick snorting, high kicking, and tightly fitting sequined unitards would somehow stunt the reproductive organs…Then again, I can forsee a Toddlers and Tiaras: ADOPTED AND FABULOUS as a show that would for sure skyrocket. You’re welcome, TLC.

Ciao, Bellas.