Dicking Around.

18 Jan

I’m coming out as a Match.com user today. I go through phases of not using it for months, then I’ll be obsessed with it for about a week, then the dry spell persists.

Well, audience, I have hit the mother of all southern gentlemorons today. I do not believe that all men from the south are absolute fools, but some are not giving the South a very good name.

Take Dick, for example. His name has been changed for privacy purposes…Although his real name coincidently rhymes with the given pseudonym.

Long story short, I decided to write Dick an inbox message as he was attractive (despite his mirror selfies) and likes concerts. Seeing that my New Years resolution was to see more concerts this year (and lose 3 pounds), I thought he might be at the very least, a fun person to see concerts with. So I write a pretty innocent inbox message.

A few days later, I get this as a response:


Not a single word was capitalized, including his own name, in case you were all wondering. Which makes me think: Dick, did you even go to school? Because I went to THE Ohio State University, where you would probably not be accepted, as I can’t even give you credit for knowing to capitalize our own name. But this isn’t going to be about grammar and mechanics.

Dick, I highly doubt that you hate OSU because of our intimidating size, notable history or beyond stellar academics. This is all about football. See, Dick, people who don’t understand what it’s like to be proud of their alma mater are the ones who only think of football when they think of their school. Don’t get me wrong, I would be lying if I said that gamedays don’t come to mind when I think of OSU; but my memories, friends and the degree that I earned from my school surpass ANY football rivalry. I feel sorry for you, Dick, I really do. I’m sorry that you do not know what it’s like to walk to class with 60 thousand students who all have hearts that beat for your school. I’m sorry that you don’t know what its like to sit in a stadium every saturday in the fall with 200 thousand fans, all wearing your school colors and chanting cheers that are timeless for your school. I’m sorry that you don’t know what tradition means because in your mind, college is only about football. I’m also sorry that, despite your hatred for Ohio State, you would most likely be one of the few who can’t handle it. I’m sorry that you do not know what its’s like to have school pride.

See, Dick, what many don’t understand about school pride is that it doesn’t stop at respect for your own school; It’s about respecting other schools because they live for it as much as you do (I suppose that’s also called good sportsmanship- Google it, Dick). I respect and understand why M*ch*gan fans love their school, because I love my school just as much. The rivalry part simply makes the anticipation higher for the best football game of the year.

So, I suppose that we don’t have anything in common anyway, Dick. I notice your “Ideal Match” section states that you would love to find a girl who enjoys surfing. I grew up in Ohio, so I suppose I’m shit out of luck with you. Also, in case you didnt realize, the city of Atlanta is landlocked. Although, I will give you the fact that you mentioned that you travel a lot for “work”… With that, I think its probably safe to assume that you’re a drifter.



2 Responses to “Dicking Around.”

  1. Carolyn January 18, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    haha! I ❤ you

  2. T BOnes January 18, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    Go back to your frat, Dick, we aren’t buying.

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