Columbus Has Too Many Abercrombie Models (From 7/20)

24 Aug

I can tell you one major problem that seems to be negatively affecting Columbus today; the apparent overpopulation of Abercrombie and Fitch models.

THEY.ARE. EVERYWHERE.

  • Bars
  • Class
  • Kinko’s
  • Tanning Salons
  • Library
  • An actual photo shoot…Getting paid thousands of dollars…Oh wait…

Seeing that New Albany, Ohio is home to the headquarters of A&F, most use this fun fact as a completely legitimate reason to lie to peers by using this (pathetic) pickup line:

“Hey, whatsup, I’m Chad. I model for Abercrombie.”

Ladies, you might encounter such idiots while out and intoxicated. Please don’t believe the Abercrombie Fib. I generally like maliciously calling out such liars. (“Model, huh? As in you’re naked in a catalog? or you’re paid minimum wage to say “Hey whatsup, you’ll look great in Fierce.”)  Lemme tell you something, Chad…You couldn’t pay me to believe that you’re an Abercrombie model due to the following discrepancies:

  • You’re drinking a tall boy of Natty Light at a campus bar that smells like vomit, vermin, and toilet water; an Abercrombie model makes thousands of dollars for one photo shoot; they probably don’t drink below-par beer that is under $20 for an entire case. 
  • You’re swimming (and drowning) in a size Small T-shirt.
  • Where there should be outline of a Herculean rock hard chest, there is only the outline of hard salami nipples and chest hair. 
  • Where are the biceps that are supposed to be bulging out of your Graphic T? Somebody is bringing a whole new meaning to Borat’s “wizzard sleeves”. 
  • You associate a headshot with a dirty move in the bedroom.  
  • YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO MIKE JEFFRIES IS. 

 Speaking of Mike Jeffries…

I’ll admit, I had no idea who he was until this chicken-legged fool with braces (as in teeth, not legs circa Forrest Gump; although it wouldnt shock me) at the bar tried to convince me that he was an Abercrombie model;  I would’ve sooner believed that Roseanne was the new A&F frontrunning model. It got me thinking the next day about who the hell is running this lie factory, and why does he feel the need to mislead average at best guys into thinking that lying will get into mis pantalones? Then I read story after story of the complete and utter delusional douchery that makes up Mike Jeffries.


Mike Jeffries is a 60 year old tool. Normally I would never use such vocabulary when discussing an elder; however, I would never say anything like that about my own grandfather because my grandfather…

  •  Wears short sleeved button downs with a pocket on the right for his stash of smokes, along with car oil stained shorts or Levi’s, and conservative Reebok walking shoes. 
  • Sees the word “dude” as what wikipedia defines it from its origin: “…denotes an ill-bred and ignorant, but ostentatious, man from the city”.
  • Spends his time gardening and watching birds. 
  • Takes 3+naps per day and still falls asleep by 9.
  • Is generally precious.

 If you Google image Mike Jeffries, you’ll see that he looks like the love child of Jocelyn Wildenstien and Gary Busey:


I can use the “D” word on Mike Jeffries without a doubt because, compared to my sweet grandpa, 

  • Mike Jeffries pops his moose embellished collar while his freshly replaced artificial knee pops out of his pre-destroyed jeans. 
  • Says the word “Dude”as if he just got back to the frat party after a keg run. 
  • According to a Bloomberg Press Article, he works out in his office, and dyes his hair blonde “because its fun”…If a life-sized Ken doll can run a company, I should be able to become president.  
  • I would assume that for the same reason his hair is bleach blonde, he also finds it “fun” to try rolling with younger crowds by bonging beers, drinking _______bombs, joining fraternities, and snorting coke.

HOWEVER. As annoying as the whole idea of Mike Jeffries is, business-wise he’s kind of doing something right. As I read of Mike Jeffries antics, the article further explained how A&F has stayed afloat during the recession. Instead of doing what numerous other retailers did (mass produced coupons, lower prices, etc) Jeffries raised his prices and took a huge salary cut; of course he still makes more money than the president…But instead of going bankrupt, the company broke even, and whether I like it or not, I can still walk into a mall, bar, or Kinkos and be effected by A&F because good ‘ol Mikey cant fly to the Virgin Islands as much this year for the love of his moose-infested company.

Overall, if a superficial and generally airheaded 60 year old can make a huge sacrifice for the good of the company, shouldn’t the US government be doing the same for the United States? Every member of congress makes significantly more than the average US citizen; I know that if each one took a pay cut in an effort to circulate some real money into the US economy that is currently laying in its death bed, it would most likely be a (very) small step in the right direction. At the very least, it would give US citizens peace of mind in knowing those on capitol hill actually do care for the future of the economy, and are willing to make sacrifices like those who have been laid off, hopeless, and starving for the past ten years.

As for the Abercrombie Fibbers: When you walk into the bar next, you better be sporting nothing but a volleyball and a smirk like Trevor, here:

…Otherwise, don’t waste my time, frat boy.



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One Response to “Columbus Has Too Many Abercrombie Models (From 7/20)”

  1. psoriasis March 10, 2013 at 9:50 am #

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